It's Been a While!

Wow, I'm really slacking or either really, really busy one? Its been a while since I last blogged, see I started this blog in memory of our daughter to help get through the grief.  Let's see where are we, first off we recently celebrated our twins fourth birthday on February 4th, Emma's third year in heaven on her birthday, I'm sure she had the grandest celebration of all.  I do wish we could celebrate with her together but I know that one day we will, it's still not easy but at least we have the assurance of seeing her again, some days that is  all that gets me through.  It was a blessing watching little man Easton celebrate, he amazes me more and more everyday!  Kailey is keeping us busy still with cheer and loving every minute of it, she's such a diva !  This brings me to my next point, see this blog was started for our precious Emma Grace and our journey which still continues everyday, here's where we are at today; Kailey still cries at the mention of Emma's name and Easton has been questioning for two years about his sister in heaven.  Ever try explaining to a four year old why we can't visit heaven and see his twin sister? Or why when you go to heaven you can't leave, and the hardest one of all is why can't I go to heaven now because I want to see my sister.  Don't get me wrong it brings joy to my heart to hear him say one day I want to live with Jesus and I pray that he will keep that in mind as he grows older.  This world is not easy so we need to pray more than ever now for our children and guide them in the right direction, forget all that political correctness crap, yep I said it FORGET it!  Raise our children right, so what if you don't agree with our decision to discipline our children, it's worked so far and it sure worked on me. Ever tried to console your eight year old daughter because she misses her sister so bad she can't even bear the sound of her name being spoken without falling apart?  That's the tough one let me tell you until you've experienced it, it's heartbreak all over again and again.  I pray that we can guide her in the right direction to help her through it.  As a mom it's hard enough to lose one child but to watch your baby grieve along with you for the last three years will absolutely bring you to your knees.  With that we've also had some praise she got saved and baptized last year so I feel like at least we have accomplished something through all this, what a better feeling than watching and praying with your daughter as she accepts Jesus Christ, wow one of the greatest moments as a parent!   We've also had some other trials this year as well that really tried our faith in a way that I never could have imagined and once again as always God never fails.  I didn't say it has been easy I just said that God never failed!  Yep no matter how many times I screamed and yelled and wanted to give up and walk away God wouldn't let me.  Let me just tell you, has God ever gotten a hold of you and you disobey?  Believe me if God convicts you, you BETTER do it!  The consequences are far greater than you could ever imagine.  I'm not saying what we went through was worse than the loss of Emma but it was up there on the next level.  We as humans like to question God and his commands or convictions but let me tell you as the bible says God will never lead you wrong, sometimes he let's you go through a trial to show you or open your eyes to where he really wants you to be.  For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about let me give you a brief summary and better understanding of just what I'm talking about.  Sometimes God places people in our lives or places us in a certain church to teach us something not to hurt us intentionally but to help us to see something he's trying to teach us,  he did say it would never be easy, but that it would be worth it!  People can be put in our lives to help us, or to also show us something and this past year we got a dose of the good and bad unfortunately.  So that being said going through a horrible trial and dealing with our children's grief  it's been very trying, even though we questioned God and even thought at times he had let us down, but that was never the case.  See he was just trying to show us something and he was with us all along but we didn't want to see it.  He really presented a trial in order to get our attention and he definitely did.  Sometimes in our faith we slack and get comfortable that is an absolute no no see the devil will always take the opportunity of that, and all of our week moments.  Are we good now, let's just say better but still working through it, but now we understand a little better. We'll never understand it all but at least our eyes have been opened!  See people can proclaim to be Christian all they want but what counts is what's in your heart and how you present that to the world.  People still say all the time "the reason I don't go to church is because there are more hypocrite's in church than not" touché, I agree but don't let their hypocrisy prevent you from serving God.  See that is where the problem lies, the reason why  people are out of church is not because of the liars, thieves, and down right sorry people who don't present their selves as anything other than what they are, No! it's the hypocrites in the church houses.  We experienced this first hand and it almost completely brought us down but just when your on the edge of giving up and giving in God always steps in and picks you back up, but he had to let you go through it to understand it. Not to hurt you intentionally but to make you stronger and put your life and your heart where you should be.  We are ALL judged by the fruits we bear and some people just bear bad fruit and we must just accept that, we can't change their hearts but we can change our reactions.  The bible says many are called but few are chosen in the book of Matthew 22:14, what does that mean?  Well I believe our fruits that we bear down here weed those out and differentiate the chosen few.  See we ran into to some really soured fruit this past year and let me tell you it was bad, ever had bad soured nasty repulsive fruit before, well metaphorically speaking we got some of the most rotten ones we had ever ran across that call themselves Christians. It's not judging someone when you experience first hand the wrath of intentional actions and hear the verbal attacks upon yourself and your character (mind you in the church house, yes you heard me correctly in the church house, I heard you gasp in disbelief yes people it happens in the church house).  Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not judging I'm stating facts on their behavior, there is a difference.  I believe that when God exposes you to the bad fruit, he's saying "hey that's not what I want you to be, I believe it's time to leave" we should bear the best and sweetest fruit possible, God expects us to learn from the rotten and weed them out in order to get to the good. Well when I say I think he's saying it's time to leave it doesn't mean leave completely maybe we just need to leave the negative environment and find a more positive one, a better fit per say.  I know, I know,  you're thinking you will never find the perfect church well touché you are correct again there is NO such thing as the perfect church but there are ones that are a better fit that have their own problems but maybe they just deal with them better in the correct biblical sense. Yep once again I said it there are problems but you're going to find hypocrites everywhere in every church but it's us as individuals and how we choose to ignore the hypocrisy and set a better example and pray that one day they will see the good fruit that those bear. See by walking away your not giving up your just saying you know what this is not what is right here and I'm not going to become your target of bad fruit and drama. Sometimes it takes a bigger person to walk away than to stay, we are not to sit and eat with them nor socialize with them, I didn't say judge them or ignore them or not be cordial to them. I repeat we are not to sit and eat or socialize because when we do the we start to pick up habits of the bad fruits and become rotten ourselves.  Basically if someone is a bully do you sit back and go along with them or do you say hey that's wrong and then disassociate from them until their behavior changes?  Well that's just what the bible told us, bear good fruit!  Do I always bear good fruit, NO, but I do try and make an effort? It's just not always easy, you got this problem and this person, and this person at church, at work, at wherever you go your going to find the devil will always try to destroy your witness and turn you into the most rotten fruit ever, but when you fail get back up don't give up.  God deserves better than that, I'm sorry that I fail him everyday but I still try to give as good as I can.  Is it always my best, no but the point is that I get up and try again.  See it took this one trial just to show me all of that and to not give up because God never gives up on us.  One of my favorite sayings I've ever come across and I don't know who said it but it says " Just because I'm a Christian doesn't mean I'm perfect, it just means I'm forgiven."  You ask well what about the bad fruit that call themselves Christians, here's my take on that again "Many are call but few are chosen" If you continue to bear bad fruit day after day after day and never try to do good for the sake of good but just because of "look at me, look at what I did I was nice today"  you don't have to tell people about it, just do it without expecting anything in return because doing good for show is not the same.  Shew I had a lot to say I guess since it had been a while I should have blogged sooner.  My point is that the trials we go through down here are for a reason, we may never know why, but God does.  See whether it's grief or just simply dealing with plain old rotten fruit there is a purpose for it all, it makes us stronger and if you got good fruit it makes you closer to God and you learn from it and try to not make the same mistakes and use it as a chance to do better every day in life!  We will never forget the trials and we should never forget what we learned from them either.  Pray more, love more, and give more, shew that's not easy but just a little more each day.  Grieve when you have to, I do, I've finally realized I don't care what people think about my grief and my choices, their mine not theirs they can either except them or move right on. Our daughter, our loss, our grief, not yours and not in your time but in our time.   We all have burdens we bear, choices and consequences we've made we have to live with, you worry about yours and I'll worry about mine just don't criticize or purposely attack me and my character then we'll be just fine.  Cross the line and at some point someone has to walk away and do the right thing.  Choose to bear good fruit, let the negative roll off and grieve in your time!  In two years two of the hardest things hit that are the most difficult trials in life the loss of a child in my opinion is the worst possible life altering event as a parent you could ever suffer.  Also the loss of  leaving a church you've loved but has failed you is heartbreaking but don't let it break your faith.  God was just leading up to an open door we didn't want to walk through because he had something else in mind for us.  There have been positives through all of this, we got some of the greatest Christian people we could ever be so grateful to be able to call our friends and to those of you I say thank you! Thank you for continuing to be awesome and Godly and someone we can turn to and say hey will you pray a little extra for me today, we know without a doubt they will!  Also to those of you who think standing with the crowd and not standing up for what's right will keep your safe and secure job, well you MAY be right or not, but the one thing I do know is that if you stand with the crowd then one day you'll stand with the crowd in judgement. So my question to all of you who have bullied, harassed, slung mud at me, called me names and just been downright evil as you all are, because that's just who you are, by the way anybody can call themselves a Christian, but do you live it?  As a matter of fact anybody can call themselves anything does it mean it's the truth, hey by the way I'm a millionaire! You may have won this round but who will truly win in the end?  I may have lost my job but I haven't lost my dignity because there are a few of us left who are willing to stand up for what's right, I'm willing how about you, oh that's right we all know the answer to that! You don't have it in you to do the right thing, kicking someone while they're down is not in anyway being a man especially when said individual has just lost a child and discovered they have an incurable disease, does it make you feel better?  Does it feel good to call me names, turn your back on me whisper about me when you think I'm not looking or just straight up call me a liar, or just straight out sabotage my work, here is where you are deceiving yourself, since your the lying, thieving hypocrites you have even begun to believe your own lies, here's what's so great (it may not be for myself now) but one day the coward's you ALL have been will come to light and the just shall prevail.  It may take a lifetime but don't worry there is the promise that you will answer and it may not be to the one you  want to but guess what? YOU WILL, so enjoy now run your smear campaign on my name because that's okay I know the truth as well as many, many more! Enjoy putting a family in stress, hey by the way that's funny that you would do that to someone else since it's seems you might not have schemed enough from the bank accounts since you recently just lost your own home and now work two jobs to pay rent, it's it really worth it? All the thieving and lies because it's seems to have gotten you into a bad place so I guess that's why you have to keep on doing what your doing got to make a deceitful living somehow! Apparently honesty went out a long time ago, who knew guess somebody forget to tell me, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway, I would still do it all the same.  I have no shame in that and am thankful my conscious is clear. See I may be sick and getting treatment but at least I realized I needed the help, days are rough, seeking treatment isn't easy but does it make me weak? According to most societal standards the answer would probably be yes, I feel it took a LOT of courage to admit I couldn't go on without out getting the help I need.  Sometimes God has to give us a little nudge in the right direction in order to get ourselves back on track.  I have quoted many verses and I still stand behind my Christianity but I'm not perfect.  I've lost, I am ill, and I've been kicked down for standing my ground.  Would I do it again, ABSOLUTELY! The right thing may not always be the most popular thing to those so called, well just whatever they call themselves, at this point I think at least one of them believes he's god and untouchable but we won't go there.  What I care about is did I do the right thing in God's eyes, and is my family proud of me for standing up for what I believe in?  There are only two path's in life, the right one and the wrong one which one are you on?  I know there's a lot of anger coming out in this blog but I feel after all that has happened to myself and my family hey I'm entitled to it and to express it, it's got to come out somehow.  I choose my blog, I choose to share our journey and hope that maybe someone somewhere might relate.  I've chosen treatment because I've been trying to live like wonder woman and she just doesn't exist inside of me.  Everyone has their breaking point, it's just what, how and when we get there. I'm angry with myself for letting other's have control of my feelings and I want it back! My daughter's not coming back, I'm not going to be cured anytime soon, and my job is soon to be gone.  I miss my daughter and I will see here again one day, and as far as my job I can't find myself having any respectable self dignity working in such corruption that I REFUSE to go along with. So with that my decision is made, I choose life for my family and healing from the hurt and anger, I'm not there yet but I hope with this new found mission and the treatment of healing I can say I will be there someday soon!  This is a lifetime journey to maintain the process of grief and letting go of the past and moving forward, taking one step, one day at a time.  This is my goal to be free of the burdens and anger move forward, not let my sickness and past hold me down.  Please pray as I take this journey of treatment and healing from the past and letting go of the negative one step, and one day at a time!